Apparently you make a good broom.
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
