HIV tests are more positive than that guy
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
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