I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Randomize