don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Randomize
