i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
