My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
