Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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