Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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