drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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