If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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