mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Randomize
