I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Randomize
