I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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