I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
