I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
