I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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