i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
