im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
