How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
