he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
