nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
