he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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