The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
