Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
