i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I seriously have her in my phone as "Legit 8"...even I'm surprised
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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