I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
