She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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