Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Randomize
