$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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