This girl is more easily done than said...
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Ketchup is God's man juice
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
