adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize
