HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
