That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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