I just pynch a tree in the face
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
