just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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