Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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