So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
