I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
