Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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