Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
