dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize