I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
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