Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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