Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize