hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Randomize
