She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize