So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
