lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
