this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
I smell like Dick and happiness
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
