Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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