Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
