It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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