two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
