1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
