I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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