K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
