He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize
