Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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