My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
Reggie can tackle my bush.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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