Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Randomize
